So there's good news and some itty bitty bad news...

Update:

I went to my new doctor for the first time yesterday. Uuuuuum, I am SO glad I made the decision to switch!!!

So here's the Reader's Digest version:

          Good News -- We are very likely able to get pregnant on our own (without IVF or other help)because 1) I am most likely not ovulating and 2) I very possibly have PCOS. I, myself, have known this for a while and my new doctor thinks we need to really exhaust those two things before we do anything else because she said there are ways to treat them that will increase chances of pregnancy. While I am happy to hear that, I certainly feel slapped in the face by my last doctor, who did not address either of these issues EVEN THOUGH I brought them up to him and to my nurses there in the very beginning. Doesn't it upset you when people ignore you, like you are a complete moron and really have no clue about your own body, etc.? Rrrrrr... Oh! And she also said that Chris's 4% sperm morphology is actually NOT an issue and is termed 'normal' in her office. So the turtle IS fertile!!! Yay!

          Okay, and now for the bad news -- She said that no matter how "great" my eggs look, age really is a huge factor in healthy pregnancy, viable pregnancy, full-term pregnancy, etc. So, I'm depressed, but we have felt prompted to do this, so I have to rely on that and not freak out over what medecine says. But she also did say that, even with the age thing, she has seen that rule broken time and time again. So, it may not be that bad...

Oh! And here's the other things that chaps me a little, while my old doctor didn't come out and say we were excellent candidates for IVF, he also didn't tell me I wasn't when I DID say it. And my new doctor did correct me. I mean, really, I have nothing against anyone who wants to make money...but I do take issue with being so money hungry that you walk that fine line of what's honest and ethical in your business dealings. Double rrrr... Whatever.

But, the my new doc did say she wanted to try and see me again next Tuesday (yay???) but it is entirely dependent upon whether or not my old doctor's office will send all my lab and testing results over so she can go over them. Say a little prayer for me that they'll make it over? I would explain why it's important that I keep this appointment on Tuesday, but that would be bordering on TMI, so...just a prayer is good! :) Lol!

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I know I'm a little over the top, but I'm excited anyway!

OMGosh, OMGosh, OMGosh!!! Okay, those of you who know me well...wait, who am I kidding?, pretty much any of you who even know me moderately, KNOW that I am slightly given to expressive emotion, exuberance, excitement, etc. Lol! So why am I so excited today?

WELL, I'll tell you! So, I know I explained that I am going to see a new doctor on Sept. 6. Well, as it turns out I am leaving to go to Idaho that weekend and have to leave, yes, on Sept. 6. Argh! So I called and they had a cancellation for tomorrow!!!!! So I get to see my new doc tomorrow at 2!

I am SO excited and can not wait to hear what she thinks! (the doctor) I am actually really hopeful about this because, well, let me explain...

I don't know if I've explained this already, but the really expensive doc actually has a program where if you get a group of people together (as many as you want, according to what he told me) to come to one of his seminars (he said it was free, too), then he gives a $75 credit for each adult there. It's a great way for him to advertise and a great way for his patients to save money. Well, as with many big decisions I make, I think it's best to press forward with all options "just in case." So, I decided to go ahead and take the next step with him by scheduling one of these seminars. Well, listen to this: the gal responsible for scheduling informs me that she will, within 24 hours, send me the available dates and that, by the way, the credit is going down to $50 per adult beginning September 1. I called over a week ago and do you think I have gotten ANYTHING from them? That's right, NOPE!! (jerks) So even if I WANTED to schedule this seminar in August, in order to get the $75/adult credit, she has literally made it impossible now. Um, I'm slightly unimpressed and feeling hopeful that doors will open elsewhere, as this particular door seems to be closing.

Anyway, that's my news for the day! I am so excited that I was, not only, able to reschedule this very important appointment, but to get in more than a week earlier than my original appt date!!! I was so worried I was not going to get in until mid to end of September. Yay!!! :)

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Waiting to do it...SO exciting!!!

Today has been BUSY! I can not believe how much stuff just seems to creep out of the woodwork that you just HAVE to do. And my daughter is only 6! And I only have one child! I watch moms with teenagers and older children and they are literally running all day because the older the children get, the more involved they are. But, to be fair to me (ha ha), we only have one car, so that is part of the reason for the craziness. On days where I need the car, I have to chauffer my husband, as well as run errands. Anyway, not complaining, I have just been wanting to blog today and NO TIME.

BUT...now I have time! So, here's the next scoop: I was talking with a friend the other day about how worried I've been about the expense of IVF.

Oh wait, let me interject here really quickly...so, I know I've talked about reservations and not really feeling a tug to have more kids. Let me explain...you know how some women are like, "I just feel there are more children we are supposed to have." etc. etc.? Well, THAT'S what I was talking about. I've never had that experience. Maybe it's because I've always wanted a lot of kids that it hasn't been necessary for God to prompt that special feeling in me. I don't know. But, I definitely did have the feeling, while we were talking to our fertility doctor about our lab results, that if we pressed forward with IVF that it WOULD work. And that right there made me very happy. The only thing is that this particular fertility doctor we have been seeing does one IVF cycle for $13,500 or four cycles for $27,500. Yeah, hello EXPENSIVE! Okay, back to our regularly scheduled blog...

So, I'm talking to my friend about all this, and while we were talking she just says, "Have you gotten a blessing?" I had two reactions: 1) "Oh! Um, no actually." and 2) DUH! I couldn't believe I hadn't thought of that sooner. So I ask Chris if he'll give me one, and it was really interesting because it was very clear that we should not worry about the money and we should press forward. It was so wonderful because it really kind of erased all those feelings of doubt about my one stressor (money). And then I had several friends post about other options after my last blog, which was a huge help! (Thanks ladies!!!)

So, here's the new "thing" if you will. In order for me to go to my fertility doctor, my OB/GYN had to refer me to him/her. So, of course, he sent me to this first doctor that I've already told you charges an arm and a leg. Plus, important to note, our insurance won't pay any of the IVF with this particular doctor. (And let me just say, for the record, that it is TOTALLY this doctor's prerogative to charge what he wants. I am not of the mindset that you have to give away your talents or services for free just because people don't have money. He is a talented doctor and I know he would be successful in helping us, in which case, he deserves to be paid what he feels he's worth by anyone who wants to go to him.) So, although it's taken us a while to get to this point, both Chris and I thought (especially in light of all your comments, too) that we should maybe check into other doctors or avenues.

So, I was (rather difficultly, I might add) able to get my OB to refer me to someone else. He wasn't going to, so I had to resort to name dropping. I know, I'm so ashamed, but there it is. So, I've now called and I have an appointment scheduled with this new doc on Sept. 6. And I am actually quite anxious (in a good way) because I'm hoping that she will have good news, insurance/finances-wise, for us.

But, to end, the way it goes is this: I was walking with a friend this morning and I felt this wave come over me. We ARE going to have another baby (if we're lucky, babies) and something in this journey has grounded me and dispelled the heavy doubts of "OMGosh, but how are we going to do this?" And what it has left me with is just...excitement. I know it's going to happen and I'm just so excited to hurry up and get going!

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Fertile Myrtle and Not-so-fertile Turtle

So I really have had no idea what to do about the 'baby' thing...my husband doesn't just WANT more children...he feels strongly that we should have more children.

And I've already shared that we lost two pregnancies. There was also a third, but I didn't even make it to my first appointment with the doctor because I miscarried naturally. (Um, hello painful...) And that time I told NO ONE until months later. This was in May of 2010.

So, two+ years and three failed pregnancies later, we have not gotten pregnant again. I know we don't rank among the worst cases out there when it comes to this, but it's pretty obvious that if we've only gotten pregnant 3 times in the last 7 years and none have been viable...something is wrong.

Now you may ask, "Have you looked into adoption?" Yes, we have, but in order to get a baby through LDS social services (which is who we'd really like to go through) you have to have documented infertility. I don't know if it has always been thus, but it is now. Although, I will admit that I haven't looked into any other agencies.

There are others of you who are also probably asking, "Have you gone to see your doctor about fertility?" Well, since you ask, also YES! We didn't go for a long time, but when Chris went into the Army it was just the green light we needed to at least look into what might be going on with us. (Which we would have to anyway for adoption...)

So, I went to my doctor, who referred me to my OB/GYN (that's the way it works in the Army...lots of referrals), who ran a few tests and said, "I think I need to refer you to a specialist." Which was good news and not so good news. I mean, if you're going to a specialist then you feel good that you're going to an expert. However, if you're going to a specialist, you might be really jacked up.

So, in March of this year we went to see our new fertility doctor and they started doing lab work and tests immediately. It took us until just last month (July) to get all results in, but the good news is I AM HEALTHY!!!! Well, fertility-wise. So, yay!!!! No fertility meds for me! However, it is also the bad news because my husband is the problem. Hmmmm....

So, there are two methods used to help get pregnant: IUI and/or IVF. IUI (intra-uterine insemination) is where they just inject sperm directly into the uterus. I believe this is so the sperm doesn't have to travel so far as it does with the "natural method." (ha ha) IVF (in-vitro fertilization) is the petri dish method. Essentially, they take the best sperm, the best eggs, make zygotes and then implant the best ones in the womb.

So, my husband's sperm (OMGosh, he's just going to love that I'm blogging this...) has no issue with motility or count. The problem is morphology. That's just a really nice way of saying "development." "Normal" morphology should be at 15%. Which is, at least 15% of a guy's sperm should have one normal sized head and one normal sized tail. His is 4%.

SO, what does this mean? Well, basically, IUI ain't gonna cut it. It will be just about as good as "doin it" the good ol' fashioned way. Which means, IVF IT MUST BE!!!

We're actually ideal candidates for IVF because my eggs are actually the eggs of a teenager AND my uterus is normal! Again...YAY! And even though Chris's sperm are less than ideal, the clinic is going to pick the normal 4% to use for the IVF (because they take the best), so my gut tells me that if we do this, it's going to happen. Double YAY!!

So, here's my final thought and question...how do you pay for IVF?

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The inconceivable truth

So, I said last week that I know I'm not the ONLY woman in the world struggling to have more kids...well, do any of you struggling women ever feel like giving up?

I only ever hear the stories where couples just keep going and jumping through hoops until they get their baby or babies. Which I find SO commendable, because, for me, I really feel,...what's the word...I don't know, "bad" because I'm not feeing that tenacity. I am truly happy with the one I have. And I'm sure there are those of you saying, "Well, then...stop trying! If you're happy, let it go." But, although I am happy with one, I don't necessarily feel complete. I don't feel like I SHOULDN'T have more kids...I just don't feel a pull. And because, aside from the guilt, my husband really wants more kids.

Let me tell you about this man...Chris grew up in a family of 8. His parents have an amazing story about how they decided to be done after 2 kids, then had a very strong impression that they were NOT done having children, so then continued to have 6 MORE! The amazing part of that story is that their first 2 were 11 years and 7 years old! I know, right? My husband happens to be the first of those 6 more children. I could go on to tell you all about his childhood and how he came to form his personal value system, but it really suffices to say that he is absolutely sure in the love that his parents have for him, he is sure in the love that he feels for his own family, for me and for the children he has.

"Children," you ask? Yes, well, my husband was married before. His first marriage lasted 6 years and he has one son from that. His son was born with a congenital disease that was physically life-threatening. When his son, Brandon, was 2 they divorced. She moved away and, because of Brandon's delicate state, Chris had to sign over full custody to his ex-wife. If two parents have joint custody then if there were ever a need for the child to have a life-saving procedure, etc. then BOTH parents have to sign on the dotted line. Being that Chris and his son were physically so far apart, it was not in Brandon's best interest for Chris to fight that. The crux of it is this: Chris literally saw his family falling apart, the hopes to have many children were gone, and the one child he DID have pulled right out from underneath him.

And Chris is just one of those rare guys (maybe they're not rare....I certainly hope not anyway) that WANTS a family. He always wanted children, wanted to be married, wanted to be a husband and father. I equate it to all the girls out there (of which I was one) that DREAM of being a mom and taking care of a home.

But then Chris and I meet and all of Chris's hopes for a family are back. Well, I don't ever want to give the impression that Chris is unhappy with the fact that we only have one child together, because he is very happy with us and grateful that we at least have one. But, he still feels strongly that we ought to have more kids. And, like I mentioned earlier, I don't necessarily feel like I DON'T want more children...I just am not feeling the push that I DO...not like my husband.

And I guess that's why I feel guilty...because I don't know if it's that I don't have faith, if I'm just being lazy, or if I'm just being selfish. Whichever it is, none are very comendable.

What do I do?

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and then there were two...

So TODAY...besides feeling totally stressed (because life is just stressful), I am totally doubting myself and my decisions for the future. And then somebody asked me the other day why I didn't talk about my husband in the last blog. Never you fear (not that you are), he SHALL be mentioned more. :) I actually did mention him, but it was really one of those "honorable mentions," so, NOT to leave him out, he will surface and resurface. My husband is the BEST husband and I am the luckiest girl in the world, or the most blessed...however you want to look at it. So, stay tuned. :)

In the meantime, I am going to pick up where I left off. :) So, aside from the fear that I felt that I was likely going to lose my OTHER Fallopian tube, we pressed forward with plans to keep trying to conceive. Eventually, my fears faded into frustration because it really was harder; I wasn't getting pregnant.

Until a year later. Mari was born in August of 2005, I got pregnant in August of 2006 (which resulted in taking out my left Fallopian in October), and then I got pregnant again the NEXT August-ish (2007). THIS time I was careful who I told...I shared with a couple of friends and that was it. Well, MY friends shared with other people they felt like needed to know...you know, JUST IN CASE I ended up needing help or comfort or whatever. It was a well-intented thought and deed, but it upset me. And it upset me because I was skeptical.

I've learned that your gut instict or impression is usually the right one. When I found out I was pregnant with Mari, I immediately pictured a baby girl. I just knew. You mothers know exactly what I'm talking about because I'm pretty sure just about all of us have had a similar experience. But even if you're not a mom, I think we all get gut feelings.

So, I was skeptical because something inside me said, "Yeeeeaaah...this may not be the real deal." I, of course, still wanted to be hopeful, which is why I shared with a select few...I asked them to pray for us. I also asked them NOT to share with anyone else. You live and you learn, I guess?

Anyway, because of the ectopic pregnancy, I was considered high-risk and, thus, had to be checked every week in the beginning. My skepticism turned out to be well-founded because although my body kept registering as pregnant, they found nothing in the ultra-sounds. I essentially had an empty womb. They said I could wait for my body to "miscarry" the pregnancy, or they could go in and do a D & C. So, this was even worse than the year before because it truly made me feel hopeless, and something, somewhere inside of me knew right then that we would probably never get pregnant again without help.

Well, I did opt for the D & C. Other than the fact that there was nothing showing up in my uterus, something just told me not to hold on. Maybe that made me a coward? or insensitive? or smart? I don't know. But it was after that that I really didn't want to talk about it.

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In the beginning...

Okay, people...I've read blogs...never written one. I decided to start this one A) because a good friend suggested it, and B) it scares the bejeebies out of me to open up. And if you're scared of honesty, it means you need to do it.

So, I am going to start with the pertinent beginning (because I have many) but, I will always end with a "..." so it doesn't take hours to read my blog each day. So I got married when I was 30 (I'm now 38 and 1/2---the "1/2" is actually important) to my husband, Chris. I come from a HUGE family (10, I'm the 10th) and they all seem to have "powers" when it comes to procreation. To make it short, I have 55 nieces and nephews...and that doesn't include the grandnephews and grandnieces. Everyone seems to have no problem with getting pregnant. I, of course, assumed this would also be my fate: get married, get pregnant, have a huge family, live happily ever after. HA!

Well, because I was 30 I WAS worried about my biological clock, however, I thought, "I got 10 years. Get pregnant every 2 years...equals 5 babies. Lori, you're set. It's not 7 like you wanted, but hey...who can be choosey at this age?" Well, we got married in August and in December I was pregnant. Yes, the plan was in motion and it was looking good.

I had my daughter, Mari, the following August (2005) and the plan was to get pregnant by the next August-ish (I had to stick to my 2 yr/baby plan.). And I DID! It was awesome! It was like I could NOT have planned it better.

Well, to spare you details, there were "signs" and I started going to the doctor before the customary 8 week pregnancy check-up. They started investigating, sending me to the lab for blood draws, ultrasounds, etc. And it seemed like I was going in for more blood draws every other day, which were super-annoying because no one was really telling me anything, other than, "Oh your levels are down when they should be doubled..." blah blah blah. (Be sure to insert your best, know-it-all, doctor voice there.)

Anyway, it was about 6 weeks later and the doctor says, "Well, we're going to have to go in and do exploratory surgery. What are you doing this weekend?" Yes, he ACTUALLY said that. It's funny because I really don't think your weekend plans matter in a case like this. But I digress. So, plans for the weekend...surgery. He went in, the pregnancy was ectopic. If you don't know what that is, the fertilized egg was in my left Fallopian tube. (Those hurt too, by the way.) And if you let those go, your Fallopian tube WILL burst and, if not rushed to a hospital or ER, you WILL bleed out and die. So, my doctor found it, removed the tube, and, of course, removed the egg along with it.

I asked later what my chances were of getting pregnant, now that I only had one tube. He actually said that my chances of having ANOTHER ectopic pregnancy were now DOUBLED and that the "getting pregnant" part was probably just half now because only one ovary can now contribute an egg every other month.

It's definitely a shock to hear something like that, and it's certainly something I NEVER thought I'd hear. And, although it's difficult to describe how that felt, I can say all I really wanted to do was cry and I was really scared to try getting pregnant again. It would be like deliberately risking all chance of having more children.

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