and then there were two...

So TODAY...besides feeling totally stressed (because life is just stressful), I am totally doubting myself and my decisions for the future. And then somebody asked me the other day why I didn't talk about my husband in the last blog. Never you fear (not that you are), he SHALL be mentioned more. :) I actually did mention him, but it was really one of those "honorable mentions," so, NOT to leave him out, he will surface and resurface. My husband is the BEST husband and I am the luckiest girl in the world, or the most blessed...however you want to look at it. So, stay tuned. :)

In the meantime, I am going to pick up where I left off. :) So, aside from the fear that I felt that I was likely going to lose my OTHER Fallopian tube, we pressed forward with plans to keep trying to conceive. Eventually, my fears faded into frustration because it really was harder; I wasn't getting pregnant.

Until a year later. Mari was born in August of 2005, I got pregnant in August of 2006 (which resulted in taking out my left Fallopian in October), and then I got pregnant again the NEXT August-ish (2007). THIS time I was careful who I told...I shared with a couple of friends and that was it. Well, MY friends shared with other people they felt like needed to know...you know, JUST IN CASE I ended up needing help or comfort or whatever. It was a well-intented thought and deed, but it upset me. And it upset me because I was skeptical.

I've learned that your gut instict or impression is usually the right one. When I found out I was pregnant with Mari, I immediately pictured a baby girl. I just knew. You mothers know exactly what I'm talking about because I'm pretty sure just about all of us have had a similar experience. But even if you're not a mom, I think we all get gut feelings.

So, I was skeptical because something inside me said, "Yeeeeaaah...this may not be the real deal." I, of course, still wanted to be hopeful, which is why I shared with a select few...I asked them to pray for us. I also asked them NOT to share with anyone else. You live and you learn, I guess?

Anyway, because of the ectopic pregnancy, I was considered high-risk and, thus, had to be checked every week in the beginning. My skepticism turned out to be well-founded because although my body kept registering as pregnant, they found nothing in the ultra-sounds. I essentially had an empty womb. They said I could wait for my body to "miscarry" the pregnancy, or they could go in and do a D & C. So, this was even worse than the year before because it truly made me feel hopeless, and something, somewhere inside of me knew right then that we would probably never get pregnant again without help.

Well, I did opt for the D & C. Other than the fact that there was nothing showing up in my uterus, something just told me not to hold on. Maybe that made me a coward? or insensitive? or smart? I don't know. But it was after that that I really didn't want to talk about it.

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