The inconceivable truth

So, I said last week that I know I'm not the ONLY woman in the world struggling to have more kids...well, do any of you struggling women ever feel like giving up?

I only ever hear the stories where couples just keep going and jumping through hoops until they get their baby or babies. Which I find SO commendable, because, for me, I really feel,...what's the word...I don't know, "bad" because I'm not feeing that tenacity. I am truly happy with the one I have. And I'm sure there are those of you saying, "Well, then...stop trying! If you're happy, let it go." But, although I am happy with one, I don't necessarily feel complete. I don't feel like I SHOULDN'T have more kids...I just don't feel a pull. And because, aside from the guilt, my husband really wants more kids.

Let me tell you about this man...Chris grew up in a family of 8. His parents have an amazing story about how they decided to be done after 2 kids, then had a very strong impression that they were NOT done having children, so then continued to have 6 MORE! The amazing part of that story is that their first 2 were 11 years and 7 years old! I know, right? My husband happens to be the first of those 6 more children. I could go on to tell you all about his childhood and how he came to form his personal value system, but it really suffices to say that he is absolutely sure in the love that his parents have for him, he is sure in the love that he feels for his own family, for me and for the children he has.

"Children," you ask? Yes, well, my husband was married before. His first marriage lasted 6 years and he has one son from that. His son was born with a congenital disease that was physically life-threatening. When his son, Brandon, was 2 they divorced. She moved away and, because of Brandon's delicate state, Chris had to sign over full custody to his ex-wife. If two parents have joint custody then if there were ever a need for the child to have a life-saving procedure, etc. then BOTH parents have to sign on the dotted line. Being that Chris and his son were physically so far apart, it was not in Brandon's best interest for Chris to fight that. The crux of it is this: Chris literally saw his family falling apart, the hopes to have many children were gone, and the one child he DID have pulled right out from underneath him.

And Chris is just one of those rare guys (maybe they're not rare....I certainly hope not anyway) that WANTS a family. He always wanted children, wanted to be married, wanted to be a husband and father. I equate it to all the girls out there (of which I was one) that DREAM of being a mom and taking care of a home.

But then Chris and I meet and all of Chris's hopes for a family are back. Well, I don't ever want to give the impression that Chris is unhappy with the fact that we only have one child together, because he is very happy with us and grateful that we at least have one. But, he still feels strongly that we ought to have more kids. And, like I mentioned earlier, I don't necessarily feel like I DON'T want more children...I just am not feeling the push that I DO...not like my husband.

And I guess that's why I feel guilty...because I don't know if it's that I don't have faith, if I'm just being lazy, or if I'm just being selfish. Whichever it is, none are very comendable.

What do I do?

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